Application for Speechwriter Position with Senators Sports and Entertainment

by Rob Poirier (@RobFeature)

You know, being a blogger has opened the door to many fantastic and unique opportunities for me. These include:

- Being yelled at by strangers who don't understand my jokes

- Watching other bloggers who I barely know play hockey against one another

- Getting invited to appear on Advanced Chats

And now, the greatest opportunity of all: the opportunity to escape my hellish existence! That's right, folks: I am hereby formally applying for the non-existent position of Speechwriter with Senators Sports and Entertainment! So if you were expecting an article, or if your name's not Eugene Melnyk, SCRAM!! 

Alright, Eugene, it's just you and me now. Look, I know things are real crazy within the Senators organization right now. I get it. I feel you, man. But your appearance on the radio yesterday was... well... it was a piece of shit. I don't know how else to describe it. And I know there's no Speechwriter position being offered with Senators Sports and Entertainment, but what I'm saying is... maybe there should be? 

Here, let me just tell you a little bit about me and then I'll go over yesterday's interview and show you what a big difference I can make. Sound good? Let's do it.

NOTE TO EDITOR: Eric, can we please get this picture removed?? I added it by mistake while I was playing around with the tools and I can't figure out how to remove it! Also, I'm going to need a graphics guy to photoshop my head onto a really buff fireman. It has to look REAL my future is on the line here!!

Alright, so... God, I'm so nervous... hello, Mr. Melnyk. My name is Rob. I'm a writer. I work for a site called bonksmullet.com. You've never heard of it? Well, that's... that's probably for the best, actually. As you can see from the above photo I'm also a very strong fireman and I could easily beat up Dr. Phil, who is scum. But enough about me. Let's break down some of the comments you made yesterday and see if we can't make things a little more palatable. Here we go...

On choosing Pierre Dorion as Bryan Murray's successor:

"He understood the culture within Ottawa. He understood the culture of the organization. And to bring somebody in the from the outside, the real outside, is... you know, not going to be easy."

Alright, this isn't too bad, Mr. Melnyk. But see, what you have to understand is that your hockey team has been bad for a really long time, and there really isn't any reason for fans to think it's going to get a whole lot better any time soon. So when these fans (who you are reliant on in order to keep your team afloat) demand change, they don't really want to hear that you just do whatever is easiest. Instead, you should probably have said something like:

"We looked very closely at a couple of options, but at the end of the day, we felt that, given his familiarity with this organization, Pierre would be in the best position to get this team to where it needs to be in the shortest amount of time."

Okay, moving on. On bringing in a consultant to evaluate the organization from top to bottom:

"That's the problem with consultants. They'll give you all the advice in the world... some of it sounds good, the reports will be pretty... and Bryan will scribble down on the back of a napkin next year's lineup. Here you'll get a pretty report for $200,000."

Remember when I was all like 'hey the fans don't really like to hear that you're just doing whatever is easiest'? Well, they also don't like to hear that you're just doing whatever's cheapest. Why is something automatically bad because it costs money? Why is it automatically good if it is cheap/free? Here's what you should have said:

"We seriously consider every option that might help our team, but we have a good deal of confidence in our senior management and their ability to assess and develop talent. It's definitely not a money thing. I'm telling the truth this time, please believe me."

On whether they would hire a coach with a five million dollar salary:

"Does he walk on water? ... To put that kind of money out for one single person, you know, that's tough from even a management point of view. You wouldn't do that with an executive. Why go crazy in the business of hockey? I don't think it can make that much of a difference. I really don't."

Mr. Melnyk... Euge? Can I call you Euge? Why would you say anything at all about this? Pierre Dorion handled it perfectly in his press conference when he said that you'd assured him that he would have the resources to hire the best coach available. I mean, obviously he was lying through his teeth (deep down I think we all knew that) but so what? What kind of message does this statement send to a prospective coach? Can you not see how your devaluing of the coaching position directly correlates to the constant hiring and firing of coaches we've seen in this last decade? Honestly, why were you on the radio at all today? Who let you do that? I don't want to reach beyond the bounds of my role as make-believe Speechwriter here but... I just wouldn't let you talk anymore. Like, ever.

On spending money or something:

"There is going to be a magic moment, let me tell you that. We're going to have to step up and do something... almost be silly. But when you're right on the brink of having a Stanley Cup team, that's when you whack 'em!"

Oh my God, what?? This is what you should be saying:

"I understand that talent is what wins championships, and in order to procure players with more talent, you have to pay more money. Obviously, you do NOT get to the brink of having a Stanley Cup team by refusing to pay anyone what they're worth. I am a grown man and I should not believe in magic at this point in my life."

On whether he is a fan of Erik Karlsson:

" ...... "

What the FUCK, Euge? You were set up for a slam dunk on this one! You know what? Here's what you should have said...

"Erik Karlsson is the Captain of our team and the best defenceman this league has seen in a generation. And while our new GM will have an opportunity to evaluate him, I feel it is very likely that Erik will be an Ottawa Senator for many years to come. I must go now. I have been struck by the sudden realization that I need to sell this team as soon as possible. I have done a terrible disservice to thousands upon thousands of fans. I have prevented this team from being competitive. I have sown misery and despair at every turn. I have become seduced by celebrity. But no longer! I leave you today, the biggest Erik Karlsson fan on the face of the Earth!"

Thank you for your consideration. Please note: I cannot work evenings, weekends (including Fridays), or on any religious holidays (all religions).